To make others happy and to aim for positivity in your social life is always good, but only to some degree. If you try too hard, it can turn into an uncomfortable, even harmful, habit — pleasing to the people. At one point you may find yourself setting aside your own needs, ignoring your personal time and putting stress on yourself, just to make sure that the people around you feel healthy.
1. You find it difficult to say no.
You are still helping people, arranging stuff for them or even doing them a favour. The reason for this is simple: you can not say “no” to their demands. You might be afraid they may get upset if you hesitate, or think you don’t care for them. What’s more, saying “no” gives you an uncomfortable sense of guilt. You prefer to consider everything to prevent that, and even let people infringe your free time in this way.
Solution: Understand the power of saying “no.” At first, it can be challenging, but it will pay off in the end. Refusing something which takes your free time constantly doesn’t make you selfish. You treat yourself, instead, with love and gratitude.
2. You want everyone around you to like you.
Another characteristic that is very common when it comes to people-pleasers is fear of rejection. You are afraid they will leave you alone if people don’t like you. As a result, you are trying to do everything in your power to avoid such events from occurring by modifying your actions to help others, so people around you will realize that and actually trust you.
Solution: Check to see if you’re being manipulated: if people think you’d do it for them, they would not hesitate to use this as an incentive. They can make use of sweet questions like, “But you are the only one who can do it,” pressuring you to do things for them. As soon as you see anything like this it is easier to prioritize yourself and your personal time.
3. Other’s negative emotions influence you.
Avoiding a confrontation and transforming it into an innocent joke is no wrong. But those who want to want to satisfy others, even though it’s not about them, can’t manage any dissatisfaction. People lovers will see people around them’s negative feelings as an indication that others are upset with them too. To fix the problem, pleasurers of people must take the blame and come up with ideas that will satisfy others.
Solution: Understand that disputes are inevitable and can help. It allows people to express themselves and talk about the many things that bother them. It’s unhealthy to suppress your feelings and those of others because sometimes we all need to just blow off steam.
4. You feel guilty and apologize for everything, even when it’s not necessary.
If there is no situation going as expected your first response is “I’m sorry! ”. Whatever happens, you still want to shoulder the blame and bear the consequences. This stems from an inherent urge to be sweet and friendly, but in the end, it just does more harm to your self-esteem and can become a habit.
Solution: Beware of what you are doing, doing, and feeling: try to understand when and when you start apologizing. Remember the people you’re doing this with, too. Extra excuses and blame are not required in many cases, so you can easily encourage yourself to skip that.
5. You put your own needs and desires aside.
If you worry so busily about the feelings of others, you sometimes fail to care about your own. You have the opportunity to set aside your feelings and ignore what you really want right now. You may not even know yourself very well any more in one moment. It can even get to the point where you’re having trouble thinking about your emotions and deciding what’s best for you.
Solution: Gain something from yourself: take some time to know what you like and what you desire. You should write down your own priorities list and the things that would make you happy.
6. You prefer giving rather than receiving, even if it costs you your own comfort.
For those who actively try to please others, daily sacrifices for the sake of others can become a practice. You’re stuck in a toxic relationship, for example, where you spend more than you get. You may expect it to be noticed and appreciated by others, but generally, people tend to get used to your easy approach to them, and in the end, little is left for you.
Solution: Think about your priorities: first determine what matters to you, not to others, and then you can set a strict time limit when you are completely willing to support others. Tuesday and Thursday evenings, for example. This way you’ll make sure you have enough time for your own interests and events.
7. You feel responsible for how other people feel.
You seem to note any change in your friends and family’s emotions and mood, and this also makes you nervous. You might also blame yourself for failing to calm others down and make them happy during stressful times. The fact is, it is every individual’s responsibility to take control of their own emotions.
Solution: Using empathic assertion: you should try to understand how others feel and what they want, but with a strong statement, you obey that. For example: “I know where your anger comes from but all I can do is be with you now.”
8. You try to match the people around you.
People-pleasers can be afraid to show others their actual personalities. Instead, they decide to go with the flow and change to act as others do. Thus they would think the people around them would like them more and the environment around them would become more relaxed.
Solution: Learn to be yourself around others: although you may have many similarities with the people around you, seek to identify your differences with them and appreciate them. You as a person, are just as fun to be around with your own interests and opinions. There’s so much that makes you unique and you don’t need to hide it.
